Marriage & Family
|Youth and Marriage - Part 1
|Group of Authors
|Article ID: 1038 | Article URL: http://www.islamicawakening.com/viewarticle.php?articleID=1038
|Youth and Marriage - Part 2
|Youth and Marriage - Part 3
|Youth and Marriage - Part 4
|Youth and Marriage - Part 5
|Youth and Marriage - Part 6
|Youth and Marriage - Part 7
|Youth and Marriage - Part 8
Marriage Comes First
Question: A common custom among the people nowadays is for a woman or her father to refuse a man's proposal so that she may finish high school, college or some specific amount of studying. What is the ruling concerning that? What is your advice for those who fall into that trap? Sometimes, the woman reaches the age of thirty or more and she has yet to get married!
Response: My advice to all young men and young women is to get married quickly if the means to it are made possible for you.
This is because the Prophet (peace be upon him) has said,
"O youthful people, if any of you have the means to, he should get married, as it lowers the eyesight and protects the private parts. Those who have not the ability to do so should fast, as it will be a shield for him."
This was recorded by al-Bukhari and Muslim. The Prophet (peace be upon him) also said, "If one whose religion and character pleases you proposes to you, you should marry him. If you do not do so, them will be tribulations in the land and great evil."
This was recorded by al-Tirmidhi with a hasan chain. The Prophet (peace be upon him) also said "Marry the child-bearing, loving woman for I shall outnumber the peoples by you on the Day of Resurrection."
This was recorded by Ahmad and graded sahih by ibn Hibban. Therefore, there are many benefits to marriage which the Prophet (peace be upon him) alluded to, including lowering the gaze, protecting the private parts, increasing the numbers of the Muslim Nation and being saved from great evil and misfortune.
May Allah grant to all what is best for their religion and worldly lives. He is All-Hearing, Close.
Shaikh ibn Baz
Obligation of Marriage on a woman
Is it obligatory for a woman to get married?
Praise be to Allaah.
In response to your question, we will look briefly at what some of the Muslim fuqahaa' have written on this topic. In Mawaahib al-Jaleel it was said: "Marriage is obligatory for a woman who is unable to feed or clothe herself unless she gets married." In al-Sharh al-Kabeer, concerning obligatory marriage it says: "If a person fears that he may commit fornication, it (marriage) is obligatory on him." In Fath al-Wahhaab, it says: "For the woman who has (physical) desires, marriage is sunnah, just as it is for the one who needs maintenance and the one who fears being taken advantage of by immoral persons."
In Mughni al-Muhtaaj, it says: "(Marriage) becomes waajib (obligatory) if a person fears fornication... And it was said that it becomes obligatory if a person has made a vow (nadhr) to get married." Then concerning the ruling with regard to women: "If she needs to get married, i.e., she has physical desires, or needs maintenance, or she is afraid that immoral people may take advantage of her... it is preferable (mustahabb) for her to get married, because this will protect her religion and her chastity, and she can enjoy what her husband spends on her, and other advantages."
Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his book al-Mughni: "Our colleagues differed as to whether marriage is obligatory. The best-known opinion in our madhhab is that it is not obligatory, except when a person is afraid of committing a forbidden deed if he does not marry. In that case he should make himself chaste (i.e. get married). This is the opinion of the majority of fuqahaa'."
When it comes to marriage, people are of three types, one of which is those who fear that they may commit forbidden deeds if they do not get married. It is obligatory for such people to get married, according to the majority of fuqahaa', because it is obligatory for them to make themselves chaste and protect themselves from haraam. In Subul al-Salaam it says: "Ibn Daqeeq al-'Eed said that some of the fuqahaa' said that marriage is obligatory for the one who fears sin or hardship (because of suppressing physical desires) and is able to marry... and it is obligatory for the one who cannot avoid fornication unless he gets married."
In Badaa'i' al-Sanaa'i', it says: "There is no dispute that marriage is an obligation when desire is strong. If a person has such a strong desire for women that he cannot be patient, and he can afford to pay the mahr (dowry) and support a wife, then if he does not get married, he is a sinner."
From the above discussion, we can see a number of situations in which marriage is obligatory. You might ask: "How can we imagine a woman fulfilling this obligation when usually it is the man who goes around knocking on doors looking for a partner? This is not the woman's role."
The answer is: what a woman can do to fulfil this command is not to refuse marriage when a suitable, compatible man comes with an offer of marriage. Muslim women and men need to understand the high status which marriage has in Islam, so that they will be more keen to marry. There follows a useful summary on this topic by Imaam Ibn Qudaamah al-Maqdisi (may Allaah have mercy on him), from his book al-Mughni:
The basis of the legitimacy of marriage is the Qur'aan, Sunnah and ijmaa' (consensus of the scholars). In the Qur'aan, Allaah says (interpretation of the meanings): '... marry women of your choice, two or three, or four...' [al-Nisaa' 4:3] and 'And marry those among you who are single and (also marry) the saalihoon (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves)...' [al-Noor 24:32]. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
"O young men! Whoever among you can afford it, let him get married, for this will lower his gaze and protect his chastity. Whoever cannot (get married), then let him fast, for fasting will be a protection for him." (Agreed upon). There are many other ayaat and reports like these. The Muslims agree that marriage is legitimate.
Ibn Mas'ood said: "If I only had ten days left to live, and I knew that I would die at the end of them, and I was able to get married, I would do so, for fear of fitnah (temptation)."
Ibn 'Abbaas said to Sa'eed ibn Jubayr: "Get married, for the best of this ummah are those who have more wives." Ibraaheem ibn Maysarah said: "Taawoos said to me: 'Either you get married, or I will say to you what 'Umar said to Abu'l-Zawaa'id: There is nothing stopping you from getting married but either impotence or immorality!' According to al-Mirwadhi, Ahmad said: 'Celibacy has nothing to do with Islam. Whoever calls you not to get married is calling you to something other than Islam.'"
Then he said (may Allaah have mercy on him):
The benefits of marriage are many. They include: protecting one's religion and helping one to adhere to it; protecting and taking care of women; and producing offspring and increasing the ranks of the ummah, thus achieving the pride of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), etc. [Translator's note: there is a hadeeth which indicates that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) will feel proud of the large numbers of his ummah in the Hereafter, so Muslims are encouraged to marry and have many children.]
It should now be clear that the benefits of marriage are many. No wise Muslim woman would hesitate to get married, especially if an offer of marriage comes from a person who is strongly committed to Islam and is possessed of a good character and morals.
Ruling Concerning a Young Lady who Refuses Marriage in Order to Finish Her Studies
Question: A common practice today is for a young lady or her father to refuse one who proposes in order for the woman to finish her high school, college or study of certain years. What is the ruling concerning that? What is your advice to those who do such, given that many times the woman reaches the age of thirty or more without getting married?
Response: This practice goes against what the Prophet (peace be upon him) commanded. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
"If one whose religion and character pleases you comes to you [for proposal], then marry him."
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) also said,
"O youth, whoever of you has the means to get married should get married for it lowers the gaze and protects the chastity."
By preventing marriage, one loses out on the benefits of marriage. I advise my brother Muslims who are the guardians of women and my sister Muslims not to keep from marriage due to finishing school or teaching.
In fact, the woman may put a condition upon her husband that she may remain studying until she finishes her studies or she remain teaching for a year or two, given that she does not become busy with her children. There is no harm in such an act. However, a matter which needs further consideration is where the woman is continuing her studies in an area that is not truly needed. In my view, when a woman finishes the elementary stages and has the ability to read and write, thereby being able to benefit from her knowledge through reading the Book of Allah, its tafseer, the hadith of the Prophet (peace be upon him) and their explanation, that is all she really needs. Unless, of course, she is continuing her studies in an area that the people need, such as medicine and similar fields. This is also conditional that the study not involve aspects which are forbidden, such as mixing with men and so forth.
Shaikh ibn Uthaimin
Premarital sex, and is it the parents' obligation to arrange marriage for their children?
Q. I have heard that it is parents obligation to arrange for marraige of adult children and if they fail to do so, punishment for any sin committed by children is given to the parents.
Secondly, if anyone indulges in sex (not intercourse) with honest intentions to marry that person later, then is the sin committed by them forgiven? How bad is it for a muslim to do so?
Praise be to Allaah.
In answer to your second question, to say that it is not permissible for a man to engage in a premarital physical relationship (even if it does not include intercourse) with a woman who is not permissible for him, claiming that he intends to marry her in the future, is total and utter nonsense. This can never be allowed by sharee'ah, and there can be no legitimate relationship until after the completion of a legal marriage contract according to Islamic law (i.e., nikaah). I sent your first question to Shaykh 'Abd-Allaah ibn 'Abd al-Rahmaan al-Jibreen, and he wrote back to me with the following answer:
Yes, it is a duty on the father to keep his children chaste by arranging their marriages, and spending on them and clothing them, if he is able to do so. If he is not able to, but the mother, grandfather or grandmother is able, it becomes that person's duty to arrange the marriage. If the son cannot afford it but he has the ability to earn a living, it is his obligation to do so, in order to keep himself chaste.
And Allaah knows best.
Youth and Marriage - Part 2
Ibn Qudaama’s advice to Young Muslims on Marriage
Firstly: The Religion is the fundamental, because of the saying of the Prophet SAW, "To you is the person of religion"(al-Bukhari). For if she is not of (correct) Religion (in belief and in practice), then her husband’s religion will become corrupt and altered. If she chose the way of (extreme) jealousy over her husband, then he will not cease to be under a calamity and a life of distress.
Secondly: Good Manners - for the harms of bad manners are greater than the benefit sought.
Thirdly: Good Looks - This is also sought, as through this satisfaction is achieved. For this reason a person has been ordered to have a look at the one proposed (before marriage). Also there were people who did not look for beauty, nor did they intend (just physical) pleasure (out of marriage). As it has been narrated that Imam Ahmad - may Allah have mercy upon him - chose a woman blinded in one eye over her sister, except that it is rare and the trend is the opposite of it.
Fourthly: Insignificant (amount of) Mahr (dowry) - Sa’eed bin al-Musyib married of her daughter for only two Dirhams.
Umar - May Allah be pleased with him - said, "Do not be extravagant in the dowries of women". Also, as it is disliked to be extravagant in dowries from the woman’s side, likewise it is hated to ask her questions regarding her possessions from the man’s side.
Ath-Thawree said, "If a man gets married and asks, ‘What belongs to the woman?’ then know that he is a theif!"
Fifthly: Virginity - As the legislator (Allah through His Messenger), recommended it, and also because she (a virgin woman) loves her husband and admires him more than a deflowered woman, so the affection is necessitated (by its nature). For (her) nature is instinctively intimate with the first lover, and likewise he possesses the love for her in its most complete form. As naturally (she) will run away from any other (man) that touches her.
Sixthly: That she is fertile.
Seventhly: Kin - which is to be from a house of religion and righteousness.
Eighthly: That she is Ajnabiyah (i.e. not from those to whom the marriage is prohibited like sister, daughter etc.). As it is a must for a man to look at the woman (before marriage), it is must for the guardian to look at the religion of the person, his manners and situation. For she will become restricted after Marriage (as a consequence), and if her husband turns out to be a Faasiq (an evil-doer) or a Mubtade’ (an innovator), then he has committed a crime against her and upon himself.
A person said to al-Hasan, "To whom shall I marry my daughter?" He replied, "One who fears Allah! For if he loves her, he will honour her, and if he hates her he will never oppress her".
Choosing a Husband
Question: What are the most important considerations a young lady should make when choosing a husband? If she refuses someone simply for economic or worldly reasons, will that expose her to the punishment of Allah?
Response: The most important attributes that a woman must look for in selecting a husband are character and piety. Wealth and lineage are secondary considerations. The most important aspect is that the proposed groom be a person of piety and proper behavior. The person of proper behavior and piety will not do his wife wrong. Either he will keep her in a way that is proper or he will leave her to go free in the best way. Furthermore, the person of religion and behavior may be a blessing for her and her children. She may learn manners and religion from him. If he does not have those characteristics, she should stay away from him, especially if he is one of those who is lax with respect to performing the prayers or if he is known to drink alcohol, may Allah save us. As for those who never pray, they are disbelievers. Believing women are not permissible for them nor are they permissible for the believing women.
The important point is that the woman should stress character and piety. If he is also of a noble lineage, that is to be preferred. This is due to the Messenger of Allah's (peace be upon him) statement, "If a person whose religion and character you approve of comes to you, then marry him."
However, if he is also suitable [in other ways, such as economics standing and so forth], that is better.
Shaikh ibn Uthaimin
Marriage from Distant or Non-Relatives is Preferred
Question: One of my relatives has come to me for the purpose of marriage but I heard that to marry from non-relatives or distant relatives is preferred for the sake of the future of the children and other reasons.
What is your opinion on that matter?
Response: That principle has been stated by a number of scholars. It points to the fact that genetics and heredity has an effect.
There is no doubt that genetics has an effect on the physical and psychological make-up of the person. This is shown in the Hadith where a man came to the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) and said, "My wife has given birth to a black child." (He was opposing that child because all of his ascendants were of light skin.) The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) told him, "Do you own camels?" He said, "Yes." The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, "What color are they?" He said, "Red." The Prophet (peace be upon him) asked him, "Is there a dusky one among them?" He said, "Yes." The Prophet (peace be upon him) then said, "How has that come about?" The man replied, "It is perhaps due to the strain to which it has reverted." So the Prophet (peace be upon him) told him "Perhaps that son of yours is due to the strain to which it has reverted." This is evidence that genetics has an effect and there is no doubt about that. However, the Prophet (peace be upon him) also said, "A woman is married for [any of] four reasons: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her religion. So try to marry one who is religious, may your hands be smeared with dust."
Therefore, the most important matter in proposing to a woman is her piety. The more religious she is and the more beautiful she is then the better she is, regardless if she be a close relative or distant [or non-] relative. The religious woman will protect the man's wealth, children, and house. Beauty fulfills his needs and lowers his gaze and he will not look to others. And Allah knows best.
Shaikh ibn Uthaimin
If Someone is Known Not to Perform the Prayers in Congregation, One Should Not Marry Him
Question: A young man came to me asking for my sister's hand in marriage. I inquired about him and discovered that he does not perform the prayer in congregation. Therefore, we differed about whether or not we should allow this marriage to take place. My brother said, "Many him for perhaps Allah will guide him." However, my father refused. I want to know the Islamic ruling concerning this matter.
Response: If someone is known not to pray in congregation, then he should not be wedded to. This is because not praying in congregation is an open, public display of disobedience to Allah. This is one of the characteristics of the people of hypocrisy and it is one of the steps that leads to abandoning the prayer in totality. And abandoning the prayer completely is a greater form of kufr [that takes one out of the fold of Islam]. Allah has stated, "Verily, the hypocrites seek to deceive Allah, but it is He who deceives them. And when they stand to pray, they stand with laziness" (al-Nisa 142).
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
"The hardest prayers upon the hypocrites are the Isha Prayers and the Fajr Prayers. If they knew what they had [of reward and blessings], they would come to them even if they had to crawl."
This was recorded by al-Bukhari and Muslim.
In this regard, ibn Masud said, "During our time, none would lag behind the prayer in congregation except for the hypocrite who was well-known for his hypocrisy."
This was recorded by Muslim in his Sahih.
It is also confirmed that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
"The covenant between us and them is the prayer. Whoever abandons it has committed kufr (infidelity)."
This was recorded by Ahmad and the compilers of the Sunan collections with a sahih chain. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) also said,
"Between a man and disbelief and polytheism is the abandoning of the prayer."
This was recorded by Imam Muslim in his Sahih. There is no doubt that abandoning the prayer in congregation is one of the means that leads to abandoning the prayer in its totality, as we mentioned earlier. We ask Allah for guidance for all of us.
Shaikh ibn Baz
Ruling Concerning Remaining with a Husband who Does Not Pray
Question: My husband is heedless with respect to his religion. He does not fast Ramadhan or pray. In fact, he keeps me from doing any type of good. Now, he has started to have doubts about me to the point that he has left his job so he can stay home and watch me. What shall I do?
Response: It is not allowed to remain with such a husband. By his not praying, he has become a disbeliever. And it is not allowed for a Muslim woman to remain with a disbeliever. Allah has said,
"If you know them [the women] to be true believers, send them not back to the disbelievers. They are not lawful [wives] for the disbelievers nor are the disbelievers lawful [husbands] for them" (al-Mumtahana 10).
The marriage between you and him is annulled. There is no marriage between the two of you unless Allah guides him, he repents and returns to Islam. Then you will remain his wife. As for the husband, his behavior is very wrong. In my opinion, it is a kind of illness. It is the illness of doubt, suspicion and whisperings that some people are exposed to with respect to their worship and dealings with others. The only thing that can remove that sickness is the remembrance of Allah, turning to Him and putting one's complete trust in His decree. The important point, with respect to you and him, is that you must separate from that husband and not remain with him. This is because he is a disbeliever while you are a believer. As for the husband, we advise him to return to his religion and to seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Satan. He should also be very keen on beneficial words of remembrance that will repel these whisperings from his heart. We ask Allah to benefit him. Allah knows best.
Shaikh ibn Uthaimin
Youth and Marriage - Part 3
|Conditions for Marriage and Guardianship
Question: What exactly constitutes a guardian, as is needed in the nikkah ceremony. I am a female Muslim, and I want to know if my older brother is acceptable for this role.
Praise be to Allaah.
There are three pillars or conditions for the marriage contract in Islam:
1.Both parties should be free of any obstacles that might prevent the marriage from being valid, such as their being mahrams of one another (i.e., close relatives who are permanently forbidden to marry), whether this relationship is through blood ties or through breastfeeding (radaa') etc., or where the man is a kaafir (non-Muslim) and the woman is a Muslim, and so on.
2.There should be an offer or proposal (eejaab) from the walee or the person who is acting in his place, who should say to the groom "I marry so-and-so to you" or similar words.
3.There should be an expression of acceptance (qabool) on the part of the groom or whoever is acting in his place, who should say, "I accept," or similar words.
The conditions of a proper nikaah (marriage contract) are as follows:
1.Both the bride and groom should be clearly identified, whether by stating their names or describing them, etc.
2.Both the bride and groom should be pleased with one another, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "No previously-married woman (widow or divorcee) may be married until she has been asked about her wishes (i.e., she should state clearly her wishes), and no virgin should be married until her permission has been asked (i.e., until she has agreed either in words or by remaining silent)." They asked, "O Messenger of Allaah, how is her permission given (because she will feel very shy)?" He said: "By her silence." (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4741)
3.The one who does the contract on the woman's behalf should be her walee, as Allaah addressed the walees with regard to marriage (interpretation of the meaning): "And marry those among you who are single..." [al-Noor 24:32] and because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Any woman who marries without the permission of her walee, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid." (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1021 and others; it is a saheeh hadeeth)
4.The marriage contract must be witnessed, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "There is no marriage contract except with a walee and two witnesses." (Reported by al-Tabaraani; see also Saheeh al-Jaami', 7558)
It is also important that the marriage be announced, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Announce marriages."
(Reported by Imaam Ahmad; classed as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami', 1027)
The conditions of the walee are as follows:
1.He should be of sound mind
2.He should be an adult
3.He should be free (not a slave)
4.He should be of the same religion as the bride. A kaafir cannot be the walee of a Muslim, male or female, and a Muslim cannot be the walee of a kaafir, male or female, but a kaafir can be the walee of a kaafir woman for marriage purposes, even if they are of different religions. An apostate (one who has left Islam) cannot be a walee for anybody.
5.He should be of good character ('adaalah - includes piety, attitude, conduct, etc.), as opposed to being corrupt. This is a condition laid down by some scholars, although some of them regard the outward appearance of good character as being sufficient, and some say that it is enough if he is judged as being able to pay proper attention to the interests of the woman for whom he is acting as walee in the matter of her marriage.
6.He should be male, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "No woman may conduct the marriage contract of another woman, and no woman can conduct the marriage contract on behalf of her own self, because the zaaniyah (fornicatress, adulteress) is the one who arranges things on her own behalf." (Reported by Ibn Maajah, 1782; see also Saheeh al-Jaami', 7298)
7.He should be wise and mature (rushd), which means being able to understand matters of compatibility and the interests of marriage.
The fuqahaa' put possible walees in a certain order, and a walee who is more closely-related should not be ignored unless there is no such person or the relatives do not meet the specified conditions. A woman's walee is her father, then whoever her father may have appointed before his death, then her paternal grandfather or great-grandfather, then her son, then her grandfathers sons or grandsons, then her brother through both parents (full brother), then her brother through her father, then the sons of her brother through both parents, then the sons of her brother through her father, then her uncle (her father's brother through both parents), then her father's brother through the father, then the sons of her father's brother though both parents, then the sons of her father's brother through the father, then whoever is more closely related, and so on - as is the case with inheritance. The Muslim leader (or his deputy, such as a qaadi or judge) is the walee for any woman who does not have a walee of her own.
And Allaah knows best.
Father of fiancée does not pray
What should be done for a valid marriage contract if the father of the fiancée does not pray?
Praise be to Allaah.
So long as her father does not pray the five daily prayers, he is not fit to be her wali (guardian) in contracting her marriage. Look for someone else who could be her guardian, and if it is her brother mentioned in the question, then he can contract the marriage on her behalf. And Allaah is the greatest help.
Wali of Muslimah if her parents are kuffaar
I come from a muslim family and was brought up with Islamic faith. Although, I have been through a stage in my life which I call the "dark stage" of my life, in which I was involved with "jahiliyah" practices for some years (yes, those irresponsible and sinful acts). Alhamdulillah Allah has blessed me with guidance and brought me to His straight path again. Since that time, I have been having a relationship with a christian girlfriend, who Alhamdulillah has accepted Islam just recently, by Allah's will. We plan to be wedded soon after we are settled. One problem is that she comes from a devout Christian family, not to mention her father being a christian priest. Ever since her family found out about our involvement, they have tried almost everything to part us, we haven't told them about my girlfriend's conversion though. Right now, our relationship has reached a point where she is willing to oppose her family and runaway from them eventually. Even though we know it will be hard to go through, my girlfriend and I really love each other. As I understand, the Islamic law requires that in marriage, a woman should be accompanied by a "wali", which to my knowledge, should come from her family. My first question, can our plan to marry without her family's consent be in accordance with Islamic law?
And second, if it can, who can be her "wali?", since not one of her family member agree with our relationship.
Thank you, assalaammu'alaikum.
First, I offer thanks to Allaah for his grace in having guided you to the path of truth after experiencing a dark journey through 'jahiliyyah', a journey into ignorance and meaninglessness. Allaah guides to his truth whomever he wills. At this point of your life, as an expression of gratitude for Allaah's blessing, you should carry out your duties towards him and desist from the actions that gain his wrath. In fact, Allaah, at this point in your life, must take priority over everything else. You further ought to make up for what you missed in the previous part of your life, to double your efforts in performing worship and to haste in doing good deeds.
Secondly, since this lady in question has converted to Islam, thanks to Allaah, none of her kaafir family members can act as a guardian (wali) of her interests; no kaafir can act in this capacity over a Muslim. If there is a Muslim with some authority in your area over the affairs of the Muslim community, then he can act in this capacity, based on the Prophet's (peace be upon him) hadeeth:
"No marriage contract can be concluded without the presence of a Wali. A Sultan (authority figure) can act as a Wali for those without one." (see Ibn Majah and Imam Ahmad, Hadith number 1880; also in Salih al-Jaami', hadeeth number 7556.)
If there is no authoritative Muslim person, then one should refer to the community Muslim leader or any Muslim who is just ('aadil), respected, and of high character, such as the director of the Islamic center or its imam, to conclude the marriage contract of this sister, with her consent.
Youth and Marriage - Part 4
Woman's right to refuse marriage to someone
Question: I have a question for my friend. She is 17 years old and they just moved here from their home country and her guardians and mom want her to marry her cousin who lived in their same house back home but this girl really refuses to marry him because she dislikes for some reason and she is begging and crying in front of her mother not to make her marry him. This girl is saying she will not be happy with him.
My question is does any girl have the RIGHT to say no for her marriage if she does not like the man? This girl is Islamic and going to school and she doesn't know anybody to talk to but she really doesn't want to marry him and her mother is utterly pressuring her by telling her she will die and she will be destroyed if she doesn't marry this guy and her mother is telling her that nobody will marry her because she is not beautiful and rich.
Sorry it was long question but please reply me as soon as possible.
Al-hamdu lillah (praise be to Allah). This situation about which this sister is asking is a common one and occurs often as a result of a clash of desires between parents and their daughter. It could be for a benefit or interest the mother or father sees and the young woman doesn't, and each regards the issue from a different perspective or with a particular consideration. And perhaps the opinion of the parents is the appropriate and correct one as a result of their prior trials and longer experience in life, and perhaps the woman sometimes looks to the appearance of the groom more than anything else, whereas the parents may look to other considerations, such as his family status, or his long-term career or employment. Of course none of this means that the woman's opinion isn't sometimes more correct and preferable, particularly when the opinion of the parents stems from a benefit they may realize if the marriage is accomplished, and they do not actually make the priority their daughter who is the most important thing in this issue. And while being vigilant in advising you of the importance of obeying one's parents and struggling with oneself to realize their wishes and desires and giving their opinion the priority, the point must clearly be made that the following two hadeeth from the Prophet (peace be upon him) must be abided by and carried out, as within them are the complete answer to your question and questions from others in similar situations:
The first hadeeth:
If he whose character and deen (practice of religion) pleases you, approaches you in marriage, then marry him, for if you don't, their will be fitna in the land and vast corruption. (Tirmidhi and others, see Sunan Tirmidhi #1085 and it is hassan (reliable) as per Sahih ul-Jaami' #270). ("fitna" here can be understood to refer to the temptation for fornication, enmity and the cutting off of relations among the people and relatives, and the spreading of hatred)
Buraida (may Allah be pleased with him) said that a young woman came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said, "My father married me to his brother's son (i.e. her cousin) in order to raise his standing among the people," so the Prophet (peace be upon him) put the matter in her hands (i.e. asserted that the validity of the marriage is conditioned on her approval and negated by her refusal). So she said, "I authorize and endorse what he has done but I wanted women to know that fathers cannot force their will in these matters."
And it was narrated by Nisaa'I via Abdullah ibn Buraida via Aa'isha that a young woman came to her and said, "My father married me to his brother's son in order to raise his standing among the people and I am unwilling (to agree to it)", so she said, "Sit until the Prophet (peace be upon him) comes." So the Prophet (peace be upon him) came and she informed him of the situation, so he sent for her father and invited him (over) and asserted that the matter is in the bride's hands. So she said, "Oh Prophet of Allah I have authorized and endorsed what my father has done, but I wanted to know if women had a say in the matter or not." (Sunan al-Nisaa'I, Kitaab al-Nikaah min Sunanihi and it is sahih).
I ask Allah for you success and guidance to that in which there is blessings for you and your family, and may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon our Prophet Muhammad.
The Young Lady is Not to be Forced to Marry a Man She Does Not Want to Marry
Question: Is it allowed for a father to force his daughter to marry a specific man that she does not want to many?
Response: Neither the father nor anyone other than the father may force a woman who is under his guardianship to marry a man that she does not want to many. In fact, her permission must be sought. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said,
"The non-virgin [without a husband] must not be married until she is consulted. A virgin must not be married until her permission is sought."
They said, "O Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) how is her permission given?" He said, "By her being silent." Another narration states, "Her silence is her permission." Yet a third narration states, "A virgin's father seeks her permission and her permission is her remaining silent."
The father must seek her permission if she is nine years of age or above. Similarly, her other guardians may not marry her off except by her permission. This is obligatory upon all of them. If one is married without permission, then the marriage is not valid. This is because one of the conditions of the marriage is that both partners accept the marriage. If she is married without her permission, by threat or coercion, then the marriage is not valid. The only exception is in the case of the father and his daughter who is less than nine years of age.
There is no harm if he gets her married while she is less than nine years old, according to the correct opinion. This is based on the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) marrying Aisha without her consent when she was less than nine years old, as is stated in authentic Hadith. However, if she is nine years old or more, she cannot be married, even by her father, except with her consent. The husband should not approach the woman if he knows that she does not want him, even if the father approves of it. He must fear Allah and not approach any wife that did not want him even if her father claims that he did not coerce her. He must avoid what Allah has forbidden for him. This is because the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) ordered that her permission must be sought. We also advise the woman to fear Allah and to accept the man if her father finds that he is suitable to marry her, as long as the prospective groom is good in his religion and character. This is true even if the one who is doing the marrying is not the girl's father [but her legal guardian]. We make this advice because there is lots of good and lot of benefits in marriage. Also, there are lots of hazards in living as a maiden. I advise all young ladies to accept those men who come to them if they are qualified. They should not use schooling, teaching or other causes as an excuse to avoid marriage.
Shaikh ibn Baz
A Religious Young Man Proposed to Me but My Mother Refused
Question: I am seeking a solution to my problem. I am twenty-four years old. A young man proposed to me. He has finished college. He is from a religious family. After my father agreed to him, he asked me to come to see him. I saw him and was pleased with him and he was pleased with me. [We saw each other] because our pure religion has stated that I should see him and he should see me. However, when my mother came to realize that he was from a religious family, she became harsh against him and my father. She swore that such a marriage would never take place in anyway.
My father desperately tried to persuade her, but to no avail. Do I have the right to seek the Law to intervene in this matter?
Response: If the matter is as you have mentioned in your question, then your mother has no right to make any objection. Indeed, such a stance is forbidden. You are not obliged to obey your mother in matter. This is because the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
"Obedience is in what is good and right."
Rejecting a suitable proposal is not from what is good and right. In fact, it has been narrated that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
"If one whose religion and character pleases you proposes to you, you should marry him. If you do not do so, there will be tribulations in the land and great evil."
If you have need to take your matter to a court of law, you would not be wrong in doing so.
A Woman designating a Walee for herself
Question: Is it Islamically acceptable for a woman to designate an adult brother as her wali (guardian) in marriage if her father refuses a man because he is not of the same tribe or culture? What are some Islamically acceptable reasons for a wali to refuse a proposal. If a woman has reached maturity and is of college age, does she have more right over herself in choosing or refusing marriage partner for herself than her father? If she were to marry with her oldest brother, who is 40 years, as her wali, without the consent of their father because he would like her to not marry him because of his nationality or culture.
The purpose of the wali is to safeguard and look after the interests of the woman, and
not his own interests or particular desires.
Hence, if a qualified man asks for the woman and based on grounds that cannot be supported by the shari'ah, this man is refused by the wali, then this wali has wronged the woman and is not qualified for the responsibility that Allah has given him. Hence, he may be removed form that position of wali. Refusing someone solely due to nationalistic pride and jahiliyah-type cultural practices is not sufficient reason to reject a marriage proposal.
According to the Sahfi' view, the position of wali, then, automatically falls upon the next in line. Hence, in the question being asked, her older brother would qualify as the wali. According to the Hanafi view, the position of the wali falls to the head of the community in such a case. The head of the community may then appoint her older brother, for example, as her new wali. From the evidence, they present, it seems that the Hanafi position may be the strongest. In any case, their view prevents the arbitrary dismissing of a wali by a woman. The wali is only to be removed if there is a shari'ah reason to remove him. He is not to be removed, for example, if he reufes to marry his daughter to a man that his daughter wants to marry but whom the father finds is not, for example, a pious Muslim. Hence, the removal of the wali should go through the people in authority in order to make sure that it is not resorted to unwisely or improperly.
One last point related to the question, even if the woman is of "college age", she still may not get married without the approval of her wali. This is the strongest opinion among the scholars. Some scholars make an exception for those women who have been previously married, stating that they may be their own wali, but this doesn't seem to be the strongest opinion.
Father preventing his son from marrying because he needs his help to take care of siblings
Q. Does a father have any right to prevent his son from getting married on the grounds that he needs his help in providing for his brothers and sisters?
Praise be to Allaah.
If the son will commit haraam acts if he does not get married, then the father has no right to prevent him from getting married for the reason stated in the question. Allaah is the Provider and those brothers and sisters are part of His creation; He will never forsake them. Allaah has promised to help the one who gets married in order to keep himself chaste. He says (interpretation of the meaning):
"And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and a woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the saalihoon (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves). If they be poor, Allaah will enrich them out of His Bounty. And Allaah is All-Sufficient for His creatures' needs, All-Knowing (about the state of the people)." [al-Noor 24:32]
The Messenger of Allaah said: "There are three to whom Allaah's help is due: the mujaahid who goes out to fight for the sake of Allaah; the slaves who makes a contract with his master to pay installments towards his freedom; and the one who gets married because he wants to remain chaste." (al-Tirmidhi, no. 1566. Abu 'Eesaa said: this is a hasan hadeeth. See also Saheeh al-Jaami', no. 3050).
But if the son is able to be patient and give himself up to working and helping his father to provide for his brothers and sisters, then he will be rewarded, for Allaah never allows the reward of those who do good to be lost.
And Allaah knows best.
Youth and Marriage - Part 5
|Ruling Concerning Correspondence between Members of the Opposite Sex
Question: If a man has correspondence with a non-mahram woman and they fall in love with each other, is that act considered forbidden?
Response: Such an act is not allowed. It stirs up desires between the two. It stirs impulses in the two to meet and contact each other. Many times, the correspondence turns into soft speech that is a temptation and plants the love for fornication in the heart. I advise anyone who wants what is best for himself to remain away from such correspondence and speech in order to preserve one's religion and honor.
Shaikh ibn Jibreen
Correspondence between Young Men and Women is Not Allowed
Question: What is the ruling concerning letters or correspondence between young men and women, given that these correspondences do not contain any lewdness, passion or amorous flavor?
Response: It is not allowed for a man to have correspondence with any woman whom he is not related to. This s because this is a source of temptation. The one involved may think that there is no temptation involved but the Devil may continue to work on him until he becomes enticed by her and her by him. The Prophet (peace be upon him) ordered that the one who heard about the anti-Christ's arrival should remain far away from him. He said that a man will come to him as a believer but the anti-Christ will keep working on him until he tempts him. Similarly, correspondence between young men and women is a great temptation and something very much to be avoided. One must refrain from it even if he claims that there is no lewdness or passion involved. As for correspondence between men and men or between women and women, there is no harm in that as long as such correspondence does not contain anything forbidden.
Shaikh ibn Jibreen
Speaking to Women on the Phone
Question: What is the ruling concerning a young man who is not married speaking to a young lady who is also not married over the telephone?
Response: It is not allowed to speak with a non-related woman with any speech that stirs desires, such as in a flirtatious, coquettish or soft manner. This is not allowed whether it is over the telephone or otherwise. Allah has said, "Be not soft in speech, lest those in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire" (al-Ahzab 32).
There is no harm in casual speech due to some need if it is free from any sort of evil. However, such speech must be restricted to only what is necessary.
Shaikh ibn Jibreen
Correspondence between opposite sex over the Internet
As salamu alaykum
I asked a sister for her hand in marriage on-line and we talk to each other casually on the internet; is it allowed to speak to her even though I am not able to get married until I graduate (in 3 years). was salamu alaykum
Praise be to Allaah.
If a proper nikaah (marriage contract) has been done, then you can talk to her however you want, whenever you want, because she is legally your wife, even if you have not yet consummated the marriage. But if the Islamic contract has not yet been done, then she is still a "stranger" (non-mahram) to you, so avoid speaking directly to her. As for corresponding with her via e-mail or the Internet, there is nothing wrong with doing so, as long as the content of your letters is restricted to permissible matters such as advising, teaching and so on.
But be very careful not to get dragged into romantic talk or anything else that could inflame desires or result in something bad.
May Allaah help us and you to obey Him and to avoid everything that may earn His wrath. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.
Ruling Concerning Women Looking at Non-Mahram Men
Question: What is the ruling concerning a woman looking at non-mahram men?
Response: We advise women not to look at non-mahram men. It is best for the woman if she is not seen by the men and she does not see them. There is no difference on this point between a battlefield or a sports field. A woman is weak and can easily be swayed. Many times, a woman looks at a movie or picture of a young man and her emotions and desires are excited. This expose her to temptation. Being away from the causes of temptation is always the safest approach.
Shaikh ibn Jibreen
Ruling Concerning a Woman Looking at Men
Question: What is the ruling concerning a woman looking at men on television or casual looks in the streets?
Response: A woman looking at a man must be one of two cases, regardless of whether it be on television or otherwise. First is a look with lust.
This is forbidden as it contains evil and temptation. Second is a simple look free of any kind of lust and desire. There is no harm in that kind of look according to the correct opinion of the scholars. It is permissible because it is confirmed in the Sahihs of al-Bukhari and Muslim that Aisha watched the Abbysinians doing their war dance. The Prophet (peace be upon him) was concealing her from them and he approved of what she was doing. Furthermore, women walk in the streets and they look at men although they are wearing hijab. A woman may look at a man even though he does not see her. However, this is conditional that the look not be accompanied with lust, desire or temptation. If it is a look of lust or temptation, then it is forbidden regardless of whether it be on television or otherwise.
Shaikh ibn Uthaimin
A woman loving a man in her heart
is it wrong for a girl to love someone in her heart and wish allah to marry her to this guy?
Praise be to Allaah.
If this love is not distracting you from the love of Allaah, and will not lead to you doing or saying anything haraam, then there is nothing wrong with this, in sha Allaah, or with praying to Allaah to make him a part of your future - so long as he is a Muslim who fears Allaah.
Prohibition of Shaking Hands with a Non-Related Woman - 1
Question: Why does Islam forbid a man from shaking the hand of a woman whom he is not related to? Does shaking hands without lust invalidate one's ablution?
Response: Islam has forbidden that because it is a temptation. One of the greatest forms of temptation is for a man to touch a woman he is not related to. Everything that leads to temptation is prohibited by the Law. This is why one is required to lower one's gaze as a means of blocking that evil. As for a man touching his wife, it does not invalidate the ablution. This is so even if it is done with lust-- unless he releases some prostatic fluid or sperm. In that case, he must make ghusl if it were sperm; he must make ablution and wash his male organ and testicles if it were prostatic fluid.
Shaikh ibn Uthaimin
Prohibition of Shaking Hands with a Non-Related Woman - 2
Is it allowable for a Muslim woman to greet a Muslim man by shaking hands?
Praise be to Allaah.
For a man to shake hands with a non-mahram woman (one to whom he is not related) is haraam and is not permitted at all.
Among the evidence for this is the hadeeth of Ma'qal ibn Yassaar (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said: "The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: 'If one of you were to be struck in the head with an iron needle, it would be better for him than if he were to touch a woman he is not allowed to." (Reported by al-Tabaraani; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami', 5045).
There is no doubt that for a man to touch a non-mahram woman is one of the causes of fitnah (turmoil, temptation), provocation of desire and committing haraam deeds. No one should say that their intention is sound or their heart is clean, because the one who was the purest of heart and the most chaste of all, the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) never touched a non-mahram woman, even when accepting bay'ah (oath of allegiance) from women. He did not hold their hands when accepting their bay'ah, as he did with men; their bay'ah was by words only, as was reported by his wife 'Aa'ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her). She said that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would test the believing women who emigrated to him with the aayah (interpretation of the meaning): "O Prophet! When believeing women come to you to give you the bay'ah (pledge), that they will not associate anything in worship with Allaah, that they will not steal, that they will not commit illegal sexual intercourse, that they will not kill their children, that they will not utter slander, intentionally forging falsehood (i.e., by making illegal children belong to their husbands), and that thye will not disobey you in any ma'ruf (Islamic monotheism and all that which Islam ordains), then accept their bay'ah and ask Allaah to forgive them. Verily Allaah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." [al-Mumtahinah 60:12] 'Aa'ishah said:
"So whoever of the believing women agreed to these conditions, the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would say to her: 'I have accepted your bay'ah by words.' By Allaah, his hand never touched the hand of any woman when accepting their bay'ah; he accepted their bay'ah by saying 'I have accepted your bay'ah on this basis.'"
(Reported by al-Bukhaari, 4512; according to another report: he accepted their bay'ah by words... the hand of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) never touched the hand of any woman except a woman he owned. Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6674).
Some Muslims feel too embarrassed to refuse when a woman offers her hand to them. Some of them claim that they are forced to shake hands with fellow-students and teachers in schools and universities, or with colleagues in the workplace, or in business meetings and so on, but this is not an acceptable excuse. The Muslim should overcome his own feelings and the promptings of the Shaytaan, and be strong in his faith, because Allaah is not ashamed of the truth. The Muslim could apologize politely and explain that the reason he does not want to shake hands is not to offend or hurt anybody's feelings, but it is because he is following the teachings of his religion. In most cases this will earn him respect from others. There is no harm done if they find it strange at first, and it may even be a practical opportunity for da'wah.
And Allaah knows best.
Youth and Marriage - Part 6
|They want to conceal their marriage
I am converting to Islam, however I find it difficult to tell my family..I will do so in time however is it necessary to announce it officially. I wish to also become a wife to a man (who already has a wife and children) for islamic reasons. The difficult part is also telling his family Is it necessary to annouce our marriage? As we do not wish to hurt anyone. I trust you will be able to guide me as will Allah.
Praise be to Allaah.
You do not have to announce your Islam, whether officially or to your family, and it is permissible to keep it a secret if there is some fear of harm. As for marriage, however, the sunnah is to announce it, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "Announce marriages." (Reported by Imaam Ahmad in Musnad 'Abd-Allaah ibn al-Zubayr; classed as hasan in Saheeh al-Jaami', 1072). If a marriage is announced in one city or location, it need not be announced in another, but we do not advise you to conceal the news of your marriage, especially since such news usually becomes known eventually. This news is likely to be a big shock to the first wife, so announcing the marriage is in the interests of all concerned, as it establishes fair and just treatment for both wives. And Allaah is the Source of strength.
Her parents do not want her to be alone with her husband until after the waleemah (wedding party)
Salam, I just recently had my Nikkah this past June. But the actual Rukhsati (giving away of the bride) will not take place until March because my husband is studying in a different state.
When he comes and visits my parents get very upset if I spend too much time with him. They say it is inappropriate. They are constantly watching what we do. They get upset if I go out with him and come home late. My question is, What does Islam have to say about parent's interfering in their child's marriage? I respect my parents but yet they do not seem to repect my privacy? Am I being unreasonable? Any information that you can give on this matter will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Praise be to Allaah.
If a man has completed the marriage contract ('aqd nikaah) with a woman according to Islamic law, everything is permissible for him, he may look at her, be alone with her, enjoy physical contact with her, and so on, but his wife is not obliged to obey him and he is not obliged to spend on her until she submits herself to him, which according to the customs of most people nowadays happens after the waleemah or wedding party.
Some mothers and fathers do not like their daughter to be alone with her husband between the 'aqd (nikaah) and waleemah because they are afraid of some problem arising that may cause the break up of the marriage, and their daughter may then no longer be a virgin, or she may become pregnant, and if the waleemah is delayed her pregnancy will be obvious to people, or other situations which may cause embarrassment to the parents. Parents may have concerns of which their children may not be aware, and which a daughter may not see as important because she is so excited and happy about her new husband. Although it is permissible for the couple to enjoy physical contact after the nikaah is completed - even before the waleemah - they should respect their parents' wishes and pay attention to their concerns. The husband should also understand their concerns and should remain content with family visits until things settle down, i.e., after the waleemah. We ask Allaah to hasten for you the good things that you want. And Allaah is the Source of help.
There is No Wedding Procession with the Bride and the Groom Together
Question: Is it allowed to have a wedding procession with the groom being with the bride among the women during the wedding parting?
Response: That act is not allowed. It is an indication that modesty has been lost. It is also an imitation of the people of obscenity and lewdness. In fact, the matter is very clear. The groom is too shy to be brought in front of the people! Then how is he going to be brought in front of those in attendance?
Shaikh ibn Jibreen
What is done between the engagement and the marriage contract, and the marriage contract and the wedding party
In Islamic Marriages, what symbols are used from the engagement period to the celebrations? And what is the significance of the rituals involved from engagement to celebration?
Praise be to Allaah.
The relationship of an engaged man with his fiancée is the same as a man's relationship with any woman to whom he is not related: he is not allowed to enjoy any kind of physical relationship with her whatsoever, until the marriage contract with her has been completed. If it is asked what kind of relationship the husband can have with his wife after the contract has been completed and before the wedding party, the answer is that he may enjoy a full husband-wife relationship, including looking at her, kissing her, being alone with her, travelling with her, having intercourse with her, etc. (al-Lajnah al-Daa'imah li'l-iftaa: Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/154).
The Brother-in-Law is Not Mahram
Question: Is it allowed for my sister to wear hijab in front of her cousin even though he is going to be related to us [through marriage]. That is, his daughter is going to marry my brother, although the marriage has yet to take place.
Response: Your sister must wear hijab in front of her cousin because he is not a mahram for her, even if he is related through marriage and even if his daughter marries her brother. This is because the wife of the brother is still not a mahram as is also the case with the father of the brother's wife and so forth.
Shaikh ibn Jibreen
Youth and Marriage - Part 7
|CHOOSING THE DESIRED WIFE
IBRAHIM ABU KHALID
Nida al-Islam May-June 1995
All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, the Merciful, the Hearer of supplications, and peace and blessings upon our beloved and humble prophet Muhammad,and upon his family and companions.
When marriage is spoken of during these "modern" times, Muslims become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged marriage, trying to find that "perfect" companion, how much of a financial burden it will become, and so on. The reality is that Islam came to solve these problems, not exacerbate them, yet unfortunately we have integrated our local traditions and customs with Islam so that marriage has become a major concern for a man rather than a delightful experience
When living in a free, perverted and corrupt Western society, the Muslim male youth finds many temptations and tests, as a result of mixing with females, which he must face and overcome. He must constantly resist these temptations, which are thrown at him in the streets, on the media, and at work. And so the wisdom of the Prophet (s.a.w) echoes on, when he said: "O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains the eyes from casting (evil glances), and preserves one from immorality..."
When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful household, and how you will know who she is.
As Muslims, we believe that Allah wants the best for us, and that His Prophet (s.a.w) illustrated this through his own life. So note that by following the advise of our own Creator, and that of His beloved servant, we can only be successful.
WHO TO MARRY
Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should be seeking. The Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed." This specifically defines just what kind of a companion we are seeking, for if we marry her for anything other than her religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall into misery. True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet beauty does not last forever and does not guarantee you her obedience and religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and so is worldly status, yet religion strongly establishes a household, and it may be that through your intention of marrying her for her religion, the rest is given to you anyway.
In another hadith, the Prophet (s.a.w) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious woman! This point has been stressed many times by Rasulallah (s.a.w), who himself, when asked what three things he loved the most, mentioned a pious woman. Once the following ayah was revealed: "They who hoard up gold and silver and do not spend it in the way of Allah, unto them give tidings of a painful doom. On that day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of Jahannam, and their foreheads and flanks and their backs will be branded therewith (and it will be said to them): 'Here is what you hoarded for yourselves, now taste of what you used to hoard' "[al-Taubah: 34-35]. Umar (r.a.a) has been quoted to say that, when this ayah was revealed, he approached the Prophet (s.a.w), submitting that the ayah weighed heavily on the minds of the Sahaba. Rasulallah (s.a.w) replied that the best thing to be treasured is the devoted wife who causes pleasure when seen, obeys orders instantly and takes full care of herself and her husbands property when he is away. Abu Bakr once asked Rasulallah (s.a.w) what was the best thing to be treasured, and he (s.a.w) replied: "the tongue in remembrance of Allah, the heart filled with thanks to Allah, and a pious wife who helps in virtuous deeds". Look at how valuable such a woman is in the sight of Allah! How can a man live unhappily with such a person.
QUALITIES OF THE PIOUS WOMAN
Alright, you say, you've convinced me, but what actually makes her a pious woman? The answer is simple: Allah himself has described those qualities most loved by Him in the Qur'an, and in the ahadith there are numerous accounts of the virtuous attributes of a pious woman.
The following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking, so note those fine and appreciative qualities.
"And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity"[s.24;v.26]
"Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them guard"[s.4;v.34]
"It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allah will give him in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims), who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship (in humility), who travel (for faith) and fast..."[s.66;v.5].
And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of those qualities loved by Allah, qualities which by the way should be evident in both males and females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the following attributes:
-a Muslim woman
-a believing woman
-a devout woman
-a true woman
-a woman who is patient and constant
-a woman who humbles herself
-a woman who gives charity
-a woman who fasts and denies herself
-a woman who guards her chastity
-a woman who engages much in Allah's praise.
Among the four known perfect women was Maryam. She was loved by Allah because of her religious qualities: "O Maryam! Worship your Lord: prostrate yourself, and bow down (in prayer) with those who bow down"[s.3;v.43]. Another was the wife of Pharaoh: "And Allah sets forth, as an example to those who believe, the wife of Pharaoh: behold she said: 'O my Lord, build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden' "[s.66;v.11].
The Prophet (s.a.w) loved his wives because of their religious qualities. Aisha once related the fine qualities of Zainab: "(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in the eyes of Allah's Messenger (s.a.w), and I have never seen a woman more advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood, more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in practical life and having more charitable disposition and thus more closer to Allah, the Exalted, than her."
Ahh, you think, but you'll never find such a woman! Well, if that was true, Allah would not have described her in the first place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating from the women described above. Islam deals with reality, not fiction. Sure, the perfect woman doesn't exist, yet "if you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good"[s.4;v.19]. Remember also that you are not perfect either.
KNOWING WHO SHE IS
To find that pious woman, there are two steps to be taken, and that first one relies on your personal observation. In surah Nisaa, Allah asks the believing women that they should "lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments," and also that they "should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments"[s.24;v.31]. If you notice a woman acting modestly, being not too obvious through her actions (by lowering her voice when around men), one who attempts to hide her attractions (which includes her external beauty as well as her internal charms), then you know she has some of those precious qualities. When you see a woman unashamedly flirting, unconcerned about her revealing clothes, and freely converses with males- keep far, far away. I'm sure when you get married you want your wife to devote her love to you, not to twenty other "just good friends".
Through simple observation, you can get a glimpse of her nature; for example, the way she stands when conversing, how she maintains eye-contact, her clothes, where she spends her time etc. Look for her strong points, and don't stress on her weak ones.
Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most important topic. You can look all you want at her, set a private investigator to track her movements, read her diaries (all of which I consider extreme and unIslamic), yet, my dear brother, no-one knows her heart and intentions, no-one knows whether she will turn sour or more religious, or whether you are suitable for each other, except for Allah.
TRUST IN ALLAH
We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge.
Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognise His infinite knowledge and wisdom.
Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust in Allah.
It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his companions to seek, through a special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in all matters which affected them. Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."
I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please Him.
Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see a dream showing them their future wife, what her favourite colour is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this salaat.
The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, whether you now feel more favourable or not. Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or against you. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may be blessed with a dream. Note that you must follow the results of an istikharah, because not doing so is tantamount to rejecting Allah's guidance once you've asked for it. Also, you should firstly clear your mind, not have your mind already decided, and then afterwards follow the results willingly.
The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do anything until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the Responsive, answered her plea for help and revealed an ayah approving of the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet she was just recognising that it is Allah who knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al Qur'an.
The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if this is from Allah, let Him carry it out' ".
Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the rearer of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent.
When asking Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us: "For Allah are certain and dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them"[s.7;v.189]. Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: "Our Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous"[al-Furqan,74].
I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him"[s.3;v.159].
May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us with wives whom He loves.
"When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way"[al-Baqarah,v.186].
ENCOURAGEMENT FROM A BROTHER
I would like to humbly add my thoughts (i.e. my own opinion to this)
When I started looking for a wife, my only intention was to find a muslima that could help me to become a better Muslim. After praying to Allah many times, I came to know that a Muslim brother in my area had an unwed sister. I was told that she was 7 years older than I was, had no college education, and had minor health problems. Despite this, I arranged for a meeting to discuss the possibility of marriage. When I met her, I was impressed by her modesty (she wore a real hijab that covered everything but her face). She was not attractive, nor was she rich. However, at the conclusion of our meeting, I felt comfortable with the fact that she was what I was looking for. After praying Istikhara, I felt confident that she was right for me.
Our nikaah was performed only a few weeks later. Oh yeah, this was a Muslim wedding - the kind where the men separated from the women, we didn't have disco music or belly dancers or any other kind of kuffar stuff, there might have been one brother who was NOT wearing Sunnah, and we spent most of the time praying, praising Allah, discussing what a great blessing the responsibility of marriage was, etc. I think the total cost of the wedding might have been around $20.00
US (we held it in my brother-in-law's apartment).
I had the time of my life!!!
Despite the fact that she is very stubborn and argumentative, she is one of the best Muslim women a man could ask for. And I am NOT talking about the way she wakes me up in the middle of the night for tahajjud, the way she covers her face in public, the way she investigates every action that I do, the way she will stop talking to me if I dont read the Quran or go to the masjid every day. I am talking about her fear of Allah and love for the prophet Muhammed (SWAS).
Not bad for a woman some people called ugly who has no college education or money.
I wouldn't trade this woman for everything in the world.
Many times when the discussion of marriage arises, I will hear one brother after another talking about how beautiful and educated they want their dream wives to be. Others will talk of love or family/racial pride.
Fools... (with all due respect)
In case some of you are confused as to why I am mentioning all of this let me tell you what I know (straight up)...
A PIOUS WIFE IS YOUR STRONGEST DEFENSE AGAINST SHAITAN
Marry a woman for whatever reason you want.......
My dua' is with you all-
Youth and Marriage - Part 8
Advice Regarding Marrying Non-Muslims
By Ali Al-Timimi
I need a fatwa regarding making the marriage contract in a church or in a civil court.So the question is: If a muslim is getting married with a Christian woman, is it permissible in Islam to make the marriage contract in a church or a civil court?
as-Salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu:
As for regarding, marrying a Christian woman, one must understand that Allah has permitted for us the "muhsanaat" among them. This means that the woman _must_ be chaste. As for those Christian women who have had sex outside of marriage; it is impermissible to marry them. As most American woman, these days, have sex before marriage, a "muhsanah" from the Christians is a rarity!
As far as the contract, it is impermissible to have any part of the marriage ceremony at the church; as this entails witnessing shirk (or perhaps at times participating in shirk), like when the Priest takes the ring from thr groom, and then places it on the bride's thumb, forefinger and the middle finger while saying "In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost" (may Allah be exalted from such blasphemy) and finally rests the ring on the index finger. Also their marriage has many ceremonies which are from the practices of the unbelievers that one may not partake in.
As for the contract in a civil court, this is permitted if two conditions are met: (1) There is no acceptance of the laws and system of the disbelievers as supreme or valid as this would nullify our testimony of faith; (2) the registering of the marriage in the civil court results in some benefit that outweighs the harm of not registering the marriage. (This is the case with the majority of Muslim marriages in North America in particular for citizens and residents.)
Secondly, is this allowed when the person is making a second contract according to the islamic teachings and laws regarding this issue?
The Islamic marriage must proceed the civil registration; as it is only the Islamic marriage that makes the marriage valid. (An Islamic marriage entails in brief: (1) the acceptance of both partners and their suitability for marriage; (2) the acceptance of the bride's guardian; (3) the dower; (4) and two wintesses.)
A court marriage is not a marriage according to the sharia. And hence both partners, if not married Islamically, cannot be alone with one another, let alone, live as husband and wife.
I have one final word of advice regarding the dangers and appropriateness of marrying a Christian woman. (1) If the marriage ends in divorce; the court will almost always and without exception give custody of the children to the woman; (2) if the husband tries to leave the US with the children and a court order issues a warrant for his arrest for kidnapping; the Dept. of Justice will send FBI officers to arrest the husband and bring back the children, even if he is overseas. In fact, there are special mercenaries for hire that for a fee will kidnap the children and bring them back to the US. This has happened in Jordan and Iraq. I even know first hand of an incident where a British Muslim (a pure white Englishman with a big red beard) who was arrested in Medina by Saudi authorities due to the pressure of the British government to return his Muslim daughter back to her Christian drug abusing wife and her boyfriend and to place him in jail for kidnapping his Muslim daughter to Saudi Arabia; (3) many Muslims today are weak in faith and suffer from feelings of inadequacy (due to this lack of faith) in front of Westerners (and in particular white Americans); as a result, it is often that the Christian wife who will control their lives. I know of many cases of Muslims who have married these Christian women and due to the enviornment have ended up in a case of "virtual" apostasy; (4) how appropriate is it to marry a Christian woman given that there are many Muslim woman who lack husbands? These are not only American sisters, converts and immigrant children who have grown up in this country and who need strong Muslim men to learn Islam from them and take care of them; but what about the tens of million of Muslim women from Muslim countries who due to war and displacement live very poor lives and are looking for a Muslim man to teach them and rescue them from their misery. If the youth of Islam remain with only one wife or marry Christians, who will shelter our sisters from Bosnia, Somalia, Iraq, Kashmir, Philipines, etc.! That is some advice from the heart that I felt must be brought forward. My apologies if these words are out of place.
Your brother in Islam
Questions to ask a prospective husband
When choosing a partner, there are numerous issues which may lead to friction and conflict. Following the principle that prevention is better than cure, it seems wise to air these issues before a match is finalized. Some of the issues may appear trivial or mundane, but the stuff of everyday life is also the stuff of arguments! Other issues are more serious, and may be indicative of the potential for a stormy and abusive marriage. Each marriage will have its ups and downs, but settling some of these matters may avoid the emergence of major, insoluble problems and consequent heartbreak.
These are all questions that may be asked directly or else "researched" by observation, asking his relatives, members of the community, etc. The prospective bride may ask some of these questions when the couple meet, but many women may feel too shy to ask outright. Family or friends can also help with the research - in many Muslim countries, relatives of prospective partners often visit to check the person out!
Asking/answering such questions is not gheebah or backbiting, and people should not hesitate to tell the truth when it concerns a possible marriage; the intent is to establish whether these two people are compatible. Avoiding a poor match will save all concerned from much heartache. At the same time, whether the marriage proceeds or not, any information thus gathered should be kept confidential - any "faults" uncovered should not be generally broadcast in the community!
These suggested questions are derived from two sources: an article entititled "Spousal Abuse and its Prevention" by Br. Abdul Rehman in Islamic Sisters International, and the feedback I received during a workshop I led on "Choosing a Marriage Partner" at the ISSRA Conference on Health and Social Issues, Toronto, May 25, 1996.
The Big Issues:
(1) What makes him angry and how does he deal with his anger?
Does he blame everybody but himself?
Does he stop talking to the person involved?
Does he bear grudges ("I'll get him back one day!")
Has he ever physically or mentally abused anyone with whom he was angry?
Does he get angry when those who may be wiser disagree or suggest an alternative point of view?
Does he ever forgive those with whom he was angry?
(2) How does he behave during a crisis?
Does he blame everyone except himself?
Does he become hostile towards an uninvolved member of an ethnic group which is known to abuse followers of Islam?
What steps does he take to face and deal with pressure?
Does he remain optimistic that things will get better, and that after every difficulty comes ease?
(3) How does he feel about women's rights in a Muslim home?
Did he ever observe abuse from his father towards his mother?
Did he ever act to prevent abuse at home? How?
Did he believe that his father was always right?
Does he believe that all women deserve abuse?
How does he make decisions? Does he rely on his own wisdom? Does he consult with close friends?
Will he be willing to consult with his spouse on any decision?
Does he stick firmly to his decisions?
(4) How does he deal with money matters?
Does he save his money for the future?
Does he give money to charities?
When he decides to buy something, will he consult his spouse in making the decision?
How does he describe his own spending and attitude towards money?
(5) What does he expect from his wife and children?
How would he react if his expectations are not met?
What is his vision of family life?
Would he pitch in and co-operate in family chores and the upbringing of children?
Would he be willing to change to accommodate your views?
(6) What are his family like?
Are his family religious, or will you be the only one in hijab?
Does their approach to Islam differ from yours - will you be the only "fundamentalists" in a family whose Islam is more "traditional"?
If this is a mixed match, are his folks open to outsiders, or will you face clannishness and exclusion?
(7) What is his medical background?
(Many Imams in the US are now refusing to conduct Nikah until they see proof that the couple have undergone blood tests and been given a clean bill of health)
Has he ever had an AIDS test, and what was the result?
Is there any history of major illness in his family?
(8) What are his views on education of women and children?
Will he allow you to continue and/or return to education?
What are his views on education and schooling of children? If you have strong views on
Islamic schools, home schooling, etc., find out if his views coincide with yours.
Will he take part in the children's upbringing and education? Will he teach them Qur'an?
(9) Where does he want to live?
Does he want to settle in the country where you now live?
Does he want to return to his homeland? Does he want to move to a new country altogether?
Will the family have to move frequently because of his profession?
Will he take your feelings into account when deciding where to live?
Does he aspire to a large and luxurious home, or will he settle for less? Does he want to live in the heart of the city, in the suburbs, or in an isolated rural setting?
Some of these are individual preferences - what may deeply concern some may not even be an issue to others, but if you have some strong feelings on a matter, it is better to get it out into the open before you make a commitment:
Do you agree on the "halal meat" issue - some people will only eat halal-slaughtered meat, whilst others will eat any "meat of the Jews and Christians" as long as it's not pork.
Does he insist on only eating the food of his own ethnic group, or are his tastes more eclectic?
Will he insist on having every meal cooked from scratch, or will you be able to have convenience food or take-away on busy days?
Does he have some strong preferences for meat, or will you "go vegetarian" some days?
Does he smoke? Do any of his family or friends smoke? Will he let people smoke in your non-smoking home?
(3) Going Out:
How does he feel about women going outside the home? studying outside? working outside?
Will he want to "check out" your friends and only let you visit those of whom he approves?
How does he feel about women driving?
Are either of you very keen to keep pets at home?
Do either of you have any allergies, dislikes, or phobias when it comes to animals?
Taken from Bent Rib: A Journey through women's issues in Islam by Huda al-Khattab